my attempt to get back in the saddle

well, it's been approximately 7 months since i've written my horror stories of myself vs exercising, running in particular. my dear husband reminded me of blogging because frankly, i'd given up and succumbed to the fact yet again that i just hate exercising and no amount of bitching about it online could change my mind. well, if i at least bitch about it here it'll take some of the pressure of him so i guess it's worth a shot.

i haven't given up COMPLETELY on exercising or running. i've started walking every sunday with my friend taryn. we do 3 miles through a nearby park early on sunday morning so we can get it out of the way and continue on with our day feeling great about the accomplishment. sometimes that's the only accomplishment i have all week so i bask in it for a while. there were times when i would run a few times throughout the week as well because i was just enjoying my time doing it. i bought keith a garmin of his own so i could bedazzle mine with pink jewels which of course, make me want to use it more. that worked for a little while. then the weather started colder and i started my yearly hibernation schedule. if it's dark at 5pm then i want to be in my jammies by 5:05pm. i'm ready for dinner and bed by 630 every night. this is making it terribly difficult to work off the extra poundage i accumulated way too easily.

i do believe that in the time it's been since i've last written i've joined and quit weight watchers again. this time around i wasn't really feeling it so the success wasn't there which then caused me to feel down about everything else and it's been an ugly spiral. i half-assed counted my points and expected the same awesome outcome i had when i joined the first time in january.

fast forward to now. december. the end of the year. almost time for a new resolution. the usual " i'm going to lose 15 pounds...blah blah blah". i could make that my resolution. i could. anyone can. is it going to be a resolution or a full-on lifestyle change? i have all the support a person could ever need to make it a lifestyle change. what's holding me back? i think i'm scared of actually reaching the goal of being thin. what if i get there and i'm still not happy with myself? if i reach that goal what else will i have to strive for? i'm the type of person who lives by setting goals and accomplishments. i don't like living my life just going through motions. i like to know everything is there for a reason and everything i do is for a purpose to better myself. if i reach this lifelong goal then what will i have to strive for? i'm kind of toying with myself and i have been for about 10 years.

so now what? well, i'm planning on going to the gym tonight. i LOATHE the treadmill but don't have enough cold weather gear to brave running outside. i just told keith at lunch today i don't know why i bother going to the gym when i only make it there once every 3 weeks. that's hardly enough to make any sort of improvement in my health or quality of life. his response? "then go more often". duh. it's that easy.

i want to be a gym rat but i'm not quite sure i'm cut out for that just yet. i can always think of 100 other things i'd rather be doing than the stepper or the elliptical or wondering if i'm even using the arm curl-up thing machine right. i wonder too often if everyone is staring at me thinking "why would she wear THAT to the gym?" "has she ever even been to a gym before?" "she should just through in the towel!". i'm always wondering if someone can see the wedgie i feel like i have when i'm on those machines. these crazy thoughts make me nuts for the entire 30-60 minutes i'm at the gym and make me want to run out of there kicking and screaming and swearing i'll never go back.

anyway, instead of stressing about a resolution to lose weight this year, i'm just going to make a goal of getting my fat A to the gym at least twice a week. i'm going to limit the amount of crazy talk that goes on in my head and maybe just listen to music or do something normal like that. that's an OK start for me. (err, restart. again.)

Running: I love you but I hate you so much.

I guess i'm kind of obsessed with putting a title on everything I do or anything I am. I like definitive lines, black and white. So I'm kind of wondering, since I've only run twice in a week and half, am I really a runner? The two occasions I ran were for races. I haven't done anything in between. Is that what a runner does? Doesn't a runner run just "because"?

I don't know the answer to this. I guess I just like to run to prove something to myself. I train for a certain race or a particular distance to prove to myself that I can do it. Proving something to yourself is FAR more difficult than proving it to someone else. You can fudge numbers, times, distances, how many times you stopped to walk, how many times you actually ran that week, etc...to anyone who will listen. Trying fudging that stuff to yourself. You're the only person who's going to suffer from lying to yourself. Oh, and the weight of lying to yourself is heavy.

I'm kind of off track here. A quick recap of the two occasions I actually DID run:
May 14th: Fifth Third River Bank Run! My first 10k! 6.2 miles. I've been training for it for MONTHS. I expected rain since it's rained the past 4 or so years. I was OK with that. I would rather run in rain than heat or humidity any day. The 5k racers got the brunt of the rain and it down to drizzle when my race started. I jokingly said to my family prior to leaving the house "if my Garmin doesn't work, I'm not running!". Famous last words, right there. I'm not 100% sure how to use all the functions of my Garmin. I can turn it on (sometimes) and then usually ask Keith to get it set for me. Keith was prepping for his race with his team while I was lining up for my race. I was on my own that day. I had the Garmin set. And then I waited for the gunshot so I could hit "start timer". I waited. And I waited. I waited so long that my Garmin went into a sleep mode of some sort. I couldn't get it back to where I needed it to be and TOTAL ANXIETY took over me! I couldn't run 6.2 miles not knowing how fast I was going or how far I had already run or how much further I had to go! I frantically hit every button several times on this little piece of machinery and got nowhere. The shot went off and everyone started moving. I began walking, head to my wrist determined to get my watch working. I WALKED over the START line , passed my parents who were waiting on the sides and in sheer panic attack mode cried"I can't get it to work!". I had no choice. I was going to have to run this thing alone; without the help and guidance of my friend Garmin. I was a half mile into the race and was still fidgeting with it when all of a sudden it was on the screen I was familiar with. PHEW! Crisis semi-averted.

Second rookie error: I didn't know what the course looked like. I never thought it would matter what the course looked like so I didn't bother checking it out. 6.2 miles is 6.2 miles; it doesn't matter what the scenery is like, right? Pretty much wrong. While it's nice following a group of people and just enjoying your time out on the pavement, it's a good idea to know what's around the next corner (mainly when you have a time in mind that you're shooting for). I didn't realize I'd made a mistake in not checking out the course until I started hitting some hills around mile 4. Had I known those babies were there I could have planned ahead and saved some juice so I could hustle up what seemed like a mountain. Instead, I saw it and said "shiiiit". I shuffled to the top and let myself take a walk break for the first time. PERSONAL RECORD SET BY THE WAY! I ran FOUR MILES without stopping. I didn't have much time to relish in the fact that I had accomplished a feat; I still had 2.2 miles ahead of me! A few more hills later I saw the beautiful sign that read Mile 6. Only .2 miles to go! The FINISH LINE should be in sight! Where the hell was the finish line?! I swear to you with every step I took it looked like that line was moving backwards and further from me! I mustered EVERYTHING I had in me to cross that line. I didn't want to leave anything out there. No regrets. I glanced at my watch and was now pacing at a 9 minute mile (have never run that fast before!). I hauled across the finish line and couldn't wait to see if I had hit my goal of 72 minutes. I later found out that my official time was 73 minutes, seconds. So close. But now I know I CAN do it.

May 21st: RAT Race 5k in Mt. Pleasant: The 10k kicked my butt and wore out every muscle I had so I didn't run at all during the week. My crazy mind was thinking "it's just a 5k. this will be like a training run". My confidence and ego were quickly shot down once my feet started moving on the trail. Luckily I was running with a friend during this race and she's got some pretty quick feet, so I stuck with her the entire time. I've never run with anyone before so I've never had to be accountable to anyone but myself. I tried conversing a little with her and realized my breathing wasn't right so I had to shut up (I think she was OK with that, anyway!). I kept glancing at my lil friend Garmin and it said we were pacing about a 10:30 mile (awesome for me!). I felt like I could hold that pace for the duration! Then the heat and humidity of the day started kicking in. I quickly felt like I had cement blocks on my feet. I told Shelly that I was going to have to take a breather at the turnaround just so I could have a decent finish. Had I kept going without stopping I know my pace would have suffered more and my time would have been terrible. Plus, running with a friend, I didn't want to screw up her first 5k either! We walked only a few seconds then kicked it back into gear. We were now halfway through this pretty difficult course! Eyes on the prize; just keep looking for the finish line. The heat had me exhausted. Never had I wanted to quit a 5k as badly as I did 1/2 mile from the Finish Line. If Shelly weren't by my side kicking ass, I probably would have walked quite a bit more. Thanks to Shelly, I set a PR that day. My previous 5k was a 38:30. This time around was a 33:43. I beat my last 5k by almost 5 whole minutes! I couldn't be happier! The hell was worth it! Who knew?! SPECIAL SHOUT OUT TO KEITH!! He placed 2nd in his age group and got a ribbon and came in 14th OVERALL! He also set a PR for himself!

My dad ran both of the above races with us and had times around 30 minutes for both. That man can haul cookies!

Now that I've proven to myself that I can run 6.2 miles I need to prove something more to myself. I need to know that I can run the Bridge Run in Grand Rapids in August. Thats only 10 miles. I need to know that I can run a half marathon in October. That's only 13.1 miles. After that I want to prove that I can run a 25k next May. That's only 15.5 miles. Someday I'd like to prove to myself that I can run a marathon. That's only 26.2 miles. Then I want to dabble in triathlons. My goal is to keep setting goals. I don't want to be complacent. I want to keep pushing myself and striving for something more. If and when I run another 10k it's only going to be for the adrenaline rush to beat my last time. And that is what I'll do forever. I will continue to kick my butt and never settle for just crossing the finish line. I've got to cross that line with the purpose of doing better than before.



**Important disclosure: These blogs are NOT meant for bragging or horn-tooting. Although, I am allowed to do that :) These blogs are for letting people out there know that if you want to make changes in your life, you can. I LOATHED, DESPISED, HATED running with all of my being 6 months ago. You're the only person who can make your feet move. If you want it, you've gotta get it.

new outlook

I've been trucking along with my running. I still have terrible form and I still run really slow. I'm not surprised by this and I'm not mad. This alone has shown me some sort of growth in me as a person, or as a runner (I'm still not sure what "runner" means...). Throughout my life, for as long as I can remember, if I was unable to master something at my first try and be the best at it, I didn't want to do it anymore. I would move on to the next thing and try again. This cycle continues to this day. I've always thought it was a "perfection" issue, and maybe it is. But for some reason I feel like I have to be great at everything I do and I need everyone to look up to me and see how great I am. While this is a great attitude to strive for, it has surely set me up for failure hundreds of times. For instance, I have not been able to master anything to this day. I am still looking for a hobby that I enjoy doing that I actually have a talent for. Since I've quit everything I've ever done in my life because I didn't learn it instantly I haven't been able to develop any real talent.

Enter running. As I stated before I'm slow and I have poor form. I don't know what good form looks like exactly but I know when I catch a glimpse of myself in a storefront window the reflection doesn't look like the people in all those running magazines. Yet, I'm still out there doing it? That isn't like me.

I haven't won any races and I honestly don't see that in my future. But I'm still signing up for them? That isn't like me. If I don't stand a chance at winning why do I do it? I'm still learning that part...

A few things I've discovered after sticking to running:
1) I actually feel "accomplished" when I've gotten 2 miles in before I even brush my teeth. The rest of the day is ahead of me to do whatever I want and I don't have a workout looming over my head.
2) I have more energy AFTER I run. This has always been something I couldn't wrap my head around prior to running consistently. How on God's green Earth does anyone possibly have MORE ENERGY after running? I still don't know, but it's true. And this is coming from someone who sometimes drinks 2 energy drinks a day and 64 ounces of fountain pop.
3) I haven't lost any actual weight in a few weeks but my clothes are DEFINITELY fitting differently. The other day I was trying to get dressed for work but all my black work pants were baggy in the butt. NEVER in my life have I been so discouraged by my body changing in good ways! It was an awesome feeling to be struggling with finding pants small enough in my closet to get to work, but also hell trying to pull an outfit together knowing I have saggy butt pants.

Basically, this is where I'm at with running: There are days when I can't wait to hit the pavement and this is only because of the all the new toys I've accumulated to help me do it. There are days when Keith literally has to put two feet to my back and kick me out of bed. (He's a brave soul for taking me on in the morning). Please check out his blog so you can see where I draw my inspiration. Whichever way I get out of bed I know that when I'm done running I'm going to feel better about myself.

And let me end on this note: Don't ever let anyone tell you that running is a free/cheap sport or hobby. IT IS NOT. Running shoes that are comfortable are expensive. You, apparently, cannot run in them until they fall apart. You are supposed to re-invest in another pair of expensive running shoes every 300-400 miles you log in them. Then the proper running attire. Moisture-wicking socks, moisture-wicking tights, pants, shorts, gloves, hats, neck warmers, wind-resistant jackets, tank tops, sports bras, special water bottles, GPS devices, nutritional replenishment/carbs/electrolyte goo's & gums & gummy treats, etc...Inexpensive no. Worth it? yes.

a lot of thoughts on running jammed into the first blog.

I'm not what you would call a runner by any means. I'm not the person who shoots out of bed in the morning and eagerly straps on my running shoes just to bolt out the door with a smile on my face running down the streets. Nope. I'm the person who's joined a gym only to lose motivation a month in. I'm the person who has to have results YESTERDAY. I'm the person that doesn't like to sweat. I'm the person who's tried every diet out there including vegetarianism (have been for over 11 years), to low-carb (try that being a vegetarian!), to vegan, to cereal only, etc... Not to mention I've probably spent more on magic weight loss pills, powders, and bars than I've spent on my car. You can call me a lot of things, but a "runner" isn't one of them. Until today. Today something clicked.

Around the beginning of the year I had the realization that I'm not at a healthy weight. I stopped wanting to be photographed which made me sad because I have a young son and was very apprehensive to have my picture taken with him. If someone brought out the camera I insisted on the photo being from my chest up, and I would definitely have to pre-approve anything before it went on the internet. Most who know me well know I am very, for lack of a better word, cheap. I don't enjoy spending lots of money on frivolous things and I like eliminating bills or debt at all costs. Since I've tried every way possible to magically make this extra weight just "disappear" and low and behold, nothing worked, I realized maybe I should try Weight Watchers. I've heard great things about it, I had tried it somewhat back in college and it helped me shed a quick 5 pounds. I wasn't so sure I wanted to pay each month to starve myself but I figured I was at a point where I had nothing else to lose. I signed up, I went to my meetings, I followed the plan religiously (because if I'm paying for it, dammit, I'm sticking with it), and the weight started coming off. HALLELUJAH. Something was working. I had lost about 10 pounds and started feeling better about my body and less intimidated by the big hunk of machinery collecting dust on the porch (aka the treadmill). Now that I was down a few extra pounds it felt a little better to THINK about exercising. My husband is an avid runner. He's the type I spoke of before; he runs in the cold, wind, snow, rain, heat, whatever. He's run half marathons, 25k's, he's a Road Warrior for the Fifth Third River Bank Run, he's part of the Grand Rapids Marathon staff as of this year, and now he's planning a 24 hour relay. Watching him run makes me tired and feel defeated.

Slowly, the idea of getting on the treadmill warmed up. I had told Keith many months ago that if he made the Road Warrior team I would sign up for the 10k. FIRST MISTAKE. Now I had a deadline to do something I've never done before and it's something I dread. Crap. I started walking the treadmill first because I've learned if I go gung-ho I'm going to get mad that the results aren't happening overnight and I'm going to stop. I want to be a couch to marathon superstar, without having to put a lot of work into it. Is that a problem? Yes, apparently.

One day I decided I'd try to jog on the treadmill. I've never run an entire mile without stopping in my life. Ever. The first time I did that I came bursting back in the house, my face beat red and exhausted. My first milestone! Not soooo terrible. Let's see what else I could do when no one was watching. I ran for 20 minutes non-stop. MILESTONE! And like that, little by little, it got a LITTLE easier. I wasn't enjoying myself by any means, but I was able to move my legs without stopping or fear of lung failure looming over me. That right there people, is success in my book.
Now, one of the things I've learned is that it's definitely OK to talk to yourself if you're exercising. I always thought people were nuts if they carried on conversations with themselves. Well, today during my run, I realized I talk to myself A LOT and it's mostly while moving my legs. 99% of the time my brain is telling me "stop, take a breather, you deserve it, you've run 5 minutes straight." But then I have to rationalize with myself and think "you've only run 5 minutes, try going another 5 minutes and see how you feel. What about the people who can't use their legs and would love to run? Your legs are fine so just move them! No one has ever DIED from running on a treadmill in their porch for a few more minutes". Sometimes I have to give myself tough love. It's the only way I listen.
So anyway, as Keith has become more and more of a support system and trainer for me, he's pushing me to do more than I ever thought I could. Since he's knowledgeable in knowing when to rest, when to push harder, what gear to wear, etc...I listen.

I've done 5k's in the past. They weren't anything to be proud of, but I finished them. Today there was a 4 mile Prediction Run that started in John Ball Zoo. Basically you write down what you think your time will be for running 4 miles. Watches are obviously not allowed, so you can't cheat. I was secretly thinking of doing this run but I didn't say anything to Keith. 4 miles is a long way to run! He had made the remark that I was ALMOST going to have 10 miles of training logged for the week this week (would have been 1/2 mile shy). I said to forget that, if I'm coming that close I might as well log the extra 1/2 mile. Somehow the plan went from Keith running this Prediction Run to ME running. EEK. I'm a treadmill runner. I like the machine telling me how fast to move my feet and I like to see how many calories I've burned and how much time I have left on the torture machine. This race is outside, with other people who are REAL runners, and I don't have a watch or anything telling me when I'm done (besides the finish line which is nowhere in sight).

We did all of our routines. Clothes laid out the night before, alarms set, made it to check in on time. Keith decided to run the race with Lennon in the jogger also so it was a fun, family thing. We lined up, they said GO! and my feet started moving. Ugh, running on pavement was HARD and very different from my cozy treadmill setup at home. By the first 1/4 mile Keith had caught up to me and I was seriously doubting myself and pissed off at why I even considered this to be a good idea. No I'm in the back of the group, angry, winded, cold, and I have 4 miles of hell ahead of me. I discovered my least favorite sound today. It's the sound of people running behind you and then seeing them pass you, increasing their distance from you in record time. Very disheartening, discouraging, and can really make a girl second guess why she's out there pretending to be a runner.

I kept on going. I remembered Keith telling me before that the first mile or so is the hardest because your lungs haven't opened up yet. I was biding my time until I could feel my cardio kicking in. IT WAS TAKING FOREVER! I finally got to the first mile marker and it got just a teeny bit better. I was still cold, a little less cranky, but still very unsure of what I was doing. I looked behind me and I saw ONE person. Great. Out of the group that started there is a single soul behind me. "I'm the slowest person out here" is all that kept repeating through my mind. And at that time, when no one was around, is when it clicked.

I started to notice there were geese around me. There was a river and a huge open field. The sun was shining (finally!) and my feet were moving. Not fast, I knew that, but they were still going. I started having the talk reminding myself that there are millions of people who would kill to do what I'm doing and physically they can't. That made me buck up a little. Then I drift off to thinking about the Biggest Loser contestants and how they weigh 300 pounds more than I do and they're working out 12 hours a day. I can handle this 50ish minute task. Next thing I know I'm at the 2 mile marker with my husband who has so graciously killed his own time just to run the race with me for that short time at his turnaround. We chatted for a few about how I was doing and then he was off again, headed towards the finish line, wherever that thing was.

Again, I'm alone in the middle of a field. I made a promise to myself that I would only stop if my legs felt they were going to give out. I stopped 2 more times for 15 seconds. I kept having conversations with myself and I found what my motivation is. SHOPPING. Laugh if you will. Think I'm small-minded, whatever. My second wind came when I started thinking "hey, you know what would make this better? Pink sweatbands! A pink Garmin GPS, new pink shirts and a cute pink jacket! YES! Oh boy, I can't wait to buy lots of things that will help me be a better runner!"
Wait, what? I just called myseld a runner WHILE running. That felt surprisingly good! I was running, it hurt, and I kept doing it. I was in the middle of a field, alone, not a single soul around me AND I KEPT GOING. No one would have known if I walked the whole way back to the finish line, except me. I made a promise to myself and I was making myself stick to it.

I found the milestones I was looking for along the way, a certain fence, a certain fire hydrant, etc...that would tell me how close I was getting to the finish line. I was so close to that line I could see Keith and Lennon waiting for me :) Wanna know something crazy? When I crossed that line, I wasn't even winded. The weirdest thing ever. I felt amazing. I felt like I had been doing this forever. I felt like a runner.

Needless to say we went out looking for important pink running gear in the afternoon, but that was my reward for doing the unthinkable. I'm going to start running outside more, maybe even without music, which is normally really hard for me. I'm still not going to jump out of bed in the morning and eagerly strap on my shoes, but at least I know that when I manage to roll out of bed the pavement isn't necessarily my enemy. We're still getting to know each other though...