30 days or die: day 10

Day 10
2-19-14
158.4

I can't even stick to my own 30 day challenge. I guess one take-away from this challenge is that my anxiety has a chokehold on my ambitions. Since I didn't go to the gym Saturday my guilt set in and I couldn't find the get-up-and-go to get there Sunday. I decided I would only force myself to go during the week before work.

(it's my challenge so I get to make up and change the rules as I go along.)

I had made the remark a few nights ago "I'm quitting" as I walked to the kitchen for a snack. I made this bold statement expecting one of two reactions:

1) Silence
2) Keith asking why I'm quitting and offer words of encouragement, etc.

I got #1.

History has shown that when I get in these moods we usually end up in an argument and no matter what Keith says he's going to be wrong. Even if he has a valid point my stubborn self will find some way to pout and be negative about his response. When my anxiety and self-consciousness start talking I just keep digging holes and bashing myself hoping that he'll keep throwing compliments and niceties my way. We've been together almost nine years now and I'm an exhausting individual. I can't really expect him to keep throwing niceties my way when I'm a total B without explanation. Like I said, he can't win :/

So anyway, once I said the words "I quit" and actually verbalized my frustration with this process I found it quite easy to get mad at myself for actually quitting. This set the ball rolling to then go into a funk/depression about quitting a self-imposed challenge and not seeking the change that I thought I wanted. I can't decide if I'd be a happier person if I lost 30 pounds or if I'm happiest when I'm miserable. I seem to enjoy sabotaging myself but at the same time I can't fit in any of my current wardrobe.

I took Monday and Tuesday off from the gym as a protest. Keith and I discussed the pros of going and the effect my mood is having on the family so I decided to set my alarm and try again today. He said he noticed I was happier last week while I'd been going and even if I'm not losing weight right away at least I'm being healthy.

(Point that needs to be mentioned: my physician told me yesterday that the anti-depressant I've been taking is notorious for weight-gain but I'm not a candidate for other medications so he said I could try Alli as a weight-loss supplement)

My alarm was set for 4:50am. Pepper started tap-dancing at 4am. Now I was faced with the terrible decision of stay awake or go back to bed for a minutes. I stupidly chose to go lie down until the alarm went off and of course I hit snooze three times before giving in that I wasn't going again today. Keith caught me upstairs and we decided that I'd go to the gym after work and he'd take the kids to and from daycare. I drove to MVP in Rockford and was kind of disappointed the parking lot was insanely packed but also kind of relieved that I still didn't have to follow through with exercising. I was there, I tried. There wasn't any parking and even if there were the gym was going to packed and I just didn't feel like dealing with all of that for 30 minutes of agreed-upon exercise. I headed for home and was surprised to see Keith and the kids weren't home yet. I planned on doing 30 minutes of just walking the treadmill while I waited for them to get home but they arrived quicker than I expected. I told Keith I would hold up my end of the bargain after Sis went to bed. Once she was down he gave me a gentle reminder by asking if I was ready for my 30.

I completed 30 minutes of walking using my ipod and Facebook as distractions. I have my alarm set for tomorrow morning and I'm hoping I can get back in the swing of things. I'm also going to start my Alli tomorrow which I'm pretty excited about.

[No picture taken today.]

30 Days or Die: Day 5 and 6

Day 5
2-14-14
159.6
I couldn't get myself out of bed yesterday. I had succumbed to the idea that I was going to skip the gym and not feel bad about it. Keith kept jabbing, poking, prodding and telling me I was going to regret not going but I'll never regret going. I finally got up and when I looked in the mirror my stomach sank and my heart started racing. My hair was a mess and it's too short to pull into a ponytail. I couldn't find my pink hat and my Bondi Band is missing. I stepped on the scale and saw ANOTHER gain. My anxiety went through the roof and I went back to bed telling Keith not to push it anymore; I just couldn't do it. When I awoke to get dressed I didn't feel any guilt. I was at peace with breaking my "30 days at the Gym" quest. My anxiety subsided and I didn't even need to take my usual morning Xanax to get out the door.
I took my gym clothes with me to work not fully knowing what my plan was. After my noon showing of a townhouse  (which is across the street from my gym) I decided to take my lunch and head over there for 30 minutes to just get some time in on the treadmill. If I logged a few minutes then it counts toward my quest. I changed out of my boots into my running shoes while wearing my leggings and dress, plugged in my headphones and walked for 25 minutes. I felt good about it and actually wanted to push myself a little more but I had more showings in the after noon and had to get back to the office. Also, I would have no way to de-stink myself if I got too sweaty so I had to take it easy.

I don't have a "post-workout" picture because I was fully covered.

Breakfast:
Smoothie courtesy of Keith
2 peanut butter eggs

Snack
5 pieces of Russell Stover chocolates
Sugary candy hearts

Lunch
Salad- spinach, head lettuce, tomato, carrots, salad toppin's, 15 calorie Italian dressing

Snack
5 dove chocolates

Dinner
4 pieces of Jets pizza
3-4 bread sticks

Snack
Cadbury egg
2 glasses of wine

So food was clearly out the window today but I allowed myself a cheat day especially since it's a holiday and candy was everyone I turned.


Day 6
2-15-14
157.5
Today is Saturday which means I didn't set my alarm which also means that I didn't go to the gym first thing. As Lennon was climbing all over me begging me to wake up I realized that I have no energy or desire to get up and be active. I could hear Keith on the treadmill already at 730am and I vaguely remember his alarm going off earlier so he could get his 10-miler in. I went upstairs with Lennon and got my cran-energy drink (all natural; caffeine from green tea) hoping it would instill some oomph in me. The only thing it did was make me want to clean. After Keith finished his run and showered he came upstairs and had the look in his eye wondering when I was going to the gym and my response was "I'm not sure I'm going to. I'm kind of over it." That statement is true. I've been anxious all morning thinking "should I go to the gym? Should I skip it and try again tomorrow? I need to update my blog, I need to get the Valentine's project started AND finished. I want to go shopping. Oh, and I just don't feel like going to the gym". I had fun eating pizza last night and shoving whatever chocolate amazingness I could reach into my face and not caring about it. In fact, I don't see why I should be busting my ass at the gym when A) I haven't seen my weight go down AT ALL and B) I haven't felt my pants getting looser at all. Yes, I feel better afterward and it's not so terrible while I'm there but I'm not doing this just to get the feel-goods. I want to look good and I want to lose some damn weight and the "feel-goods" should just be a side-effect. I don't have the patience for this to take forever. If I don't start seeing results I don't see a reason to continue.

With that being said I'm not convinced I want to go to the gym today but I have the guilty feeling lingering inside that says I should keep going to finish the stupid 30-day challenge. I'd rather go shopping since I have crazy-awesome coupons to use (for shoes) and we need groceries something fierce.

Breakfast:
Wanted pop-tarts or a heaping bowl of cereal. Chose 2 slices of 98%FF wheat toast with organic butter and apple butter and a banana

Snack
Peppermint patties and Dove chocolates (I have such a weakness for chocolate)
Banana

3pm lunch/snack
Shredded Wheat

a few more chocolates

Dinner (930pm...not too hungry)
4 Morningstar Chicken Nuggets
handful of sweet potato chips

UPDATE: I officially want to quit this bullshit. I've been so pissed, irritable, and anxious all day just thinking about how much time and hope I've put into this past week with ZERO results. The moment that sealed the deal for me was around 5pm when I attempted to put jeans on to run to the store with Isla. Pairs number 1, 2 and 3 didn't fit. I had to wear number 3 and threw on a hooded sweatshirt to cover the ol' muffin top. Isla and I went to Goodwill so I could look for a pair of jeans that wouldn't make me feel like shit until the weight comes off. Sorry to say, the single pair I found did not fit. Not even close. Now I'm even more pissed. This whole process can kiss my ass. I want to scream and I want to pout. I don't want to hear anyone tell me "it takes time". I don't want to work my ass off and receive nothing for it. It leaves me no motivation to continue. Why should I wake up two hours early to head out into sub-zero temperatures and take on 90 minutes of shit I don't like doing to receive nothing for the efforts?

I didn't go to the gym today because of my mood and love for my couch therefore I don't have a picture for today either.

30 days or die: day 3 and 4

2-12-14

day 4

157.9 pounds

Gaining weight on my 4th day of killing myself feels awesome. PISSED. Keith keeps reminding me this is normal and encouraging me not to get down on myself. He surprised me with an early Valentine's gift of a pink Ipod Shuffle and matching earphones. HOORAY!

Good news to report is that I had no issue getting out of bed today and totally killed it at the gym. I started with 15 minutes of walking the treadmill and finished with 15 minutes on the Wave. Here's the in-between:

4 sets of 15 reps @ 20lbs: ab rotator machine (2 sets on each side)

3 sets of 12 @ 20lbs chest press

2 sets of 12 @ 40lbs: arm pull down bar thing

3 sets of 12 @ 20-25lbs: Rope thing that works triceps

3 sets of 12 @8lbs: chest press on bench- free weights

2 sets of 12 @ 20lbs:  shoulder press

2 or 3 sets of 12 at 10lbs: arm curl machine

I'm feeling better physically and have found myself looking forward to cardio. This would have been crazy talk last week.

Food today:

Shredded wheat for breakfast

Salad for lunch

6 cookies (Enjoy Life brand)

2 soy corn dogs and veggies

6 dove chocolates

"wheat chex" organic cereal

30 Days or Die: Day 2

Day 2
Feb. 10, 2014
155.2 pounds

That's right. Day 2. My ass got out of bed at 5am in 10* weather and drove to the gym. I fucking did it. You know what else? I was looking forward to it. I honestly don't know what changed yesterday. Maybe it's the chemicals that are released when you exercise or maybe I'm crazier than I thought but I actually wanted to get to the gym. This feels so foreign, but so good!

So, here's what I did on my second day:

10 minutes on elliptical

Low-row for back work: 3 sets of 12 @ 60 lbs

Abductor/Adductor 3 sets of 12 @ 40lbs each

1.5 mile walk/run

Back work: 2 sets of 12

Wave machine (LOVE!) 10 minutes

I decided the Wave was pretty sweet. It's like the elliptical but your legs go at a backwards angle instead of straight back. It can work the abs (supposedly) so I'm all for trying this every day. 

Food:

1/2c oatmeal with pb2, raisins, and banana

6 natural cookies

cheese and crackers

salad

2 clementines

3 rice cakes

8 Dove chocolates

quinoa/corn/black beans/bulgur/tortilla chips deliciousness courtesy of my chef husband

Let it be known the boss brought in pizza today and I chose to skip it. Shit's getting crazy.

30 Days or Die: Day 1

Day 1: Feb. 9, 14
155 pounds

My journey began today. 

I've been fat. I've been thin. I've been somewhere in the middle most of my life. My weight and body image have always been an issue and something I think about every few seconds throughout every day for as long as I can remember. The past few months have been "different" for me. I can't explain it and there's no way I could try to make someone else understand it. I've been absolutely miserable in my own skin and I just realized it's surfacing to my exterior. I'm short-tempered, anxious, depressed, angry, easily agitated and difficult to get along with. I hate what I'm doing to myself as I'm eating the junk food but physically can't put the food down. As I unwrap the piece of chocolate I have a full-on argument with myself insisting I'm going to regret it and hate myself in a few minutes but I continue to pop it in my mouth. The food has become stronger than I am. Like I said, I can't explain it. How could I hate being overweight but refuse to change anything about myself? That's the argument constantly on repeat in my mind and when "life" happens (read: parenting, work, travel, everything else...) and interrupts my self-loathing, I snap and become a total bitch. I hate who I've become and I can't find it within myself to change. Talk about a vicious cycle.

Even though I don't act on it, I always think about exercise. While I sit on the couch I think "I should go walk the treadmill downstairs", "I should take the dogs for a walk", "I should go to the gym", "I should do a yoga dvd..." I never do though. The mere thought of exercise causes me anxiety. The thought of all my fat jiggling around forces me to sit still. I don't want to put on a sports bra or change into form-fitting exercise clothes because I don't want to experience the bad feelings of how tight the bra is or just how much bulge there is around my waist and thighs. I hang around the house in sweatpants and hooded sweatshirts so I can't catch glimpses of what's hiding underneath. ...and the cycle continues: hate myself. hate my body. need to exercise. exercise causes anxiety. anxiety is nearly debilitating. stay in sweats on the couch and continue to hate myself.

Let's go back to the gym I mentioned briefly above. I am one of the fortunate people to have a gym membership. You know what's worse than that? Having a membership without financial obligation (read: free) and not using it. So, on top of all the other reasons I feel hatred towards myself and anxiety about exercise let's add guilt for not utilizing something some people would die for. Yeah, I super suck now.

Oh, let's add to that guilt some more. I have kids. Kids with a lot of energy as a matter of fact. I want to be an awesome role model for them and I'm pretty confident that doesn't involve being cranky about hating myself and overweight and immobile. Does it get me off the couch? No. (Enter more guilt and anxiety.)

Cliche' and cheesy but sadly true, I had myself a little awakening today. I couldn't find a good enough excuse or reason to avoid the gym. I had an errand to run and it involved being directly across the street from the gym. During Isla's nap-time while Keith was home with her and Lennon was at Mimi and Papa's house. My afternoon schedule was clear. I guess I could go for a little while...

A Xanax and an hour later I had completed a workout. While running the track I had the epiphany: I'm going to do this every day for 30 days. (I heard about someone who did it for 100 days in a row while on her journey but I know I can't commit to that just yet). Let's up the ante: I'm also going to take selfies after every workout. Oh snap! I'm going to change my diet too. Yeah! I'm going to prepare salads for lunches all week. Let's get super serious: when 30 days is up I'm going to post the journey to Facebook. Oh my God. People will see everything I've tried to hide for so long. It doesn't count if I don't tell anyone, though. That way I can still fail and no one will know anything. If I don't make it to the gym tomorrow then only I will know about this crazy-ass idea I just came up with. 

When I got home I told Keith my idea; crap. Now I'm accountable. 

losing it

I'm a Couch to 5k quitter but in just three weeks the program did what I wanted it to do. It eased me back into running so I could find the joy in it again and not look at it as a chore. The program helped me find a little joy in running but there was something else that motivated me to start moving again...

A few weeks ago someone close to me had a heart attack and needed a triple bypass. This was surprising for everyone because he's always been in great health. He's run marathons, triathlons, and Iron Man events. He doesn't drink or smoke and eats pretty well. The doctors told him that because of his overall healthy lifestyle he was in a good position for the surgery and would likely have a better recovery.

This got me thinking about my health and the what-if's. I have high cholesterol thanks to genetics. Knowing heart attacks are in fact real and can hit anyone I had an A-Ha! moment. That's when and why I started the Couch to 5k: to get my health in check. Now when I run I don't think "Oh my God, this sucks. I want to be done before I even started." Instead, it's more of a "This is an investment in my future. I'm running for the health of it. Many people can't run and wish they could so I should enjoy this instead of bitching."

Around the same time I picked up running again (for the umpteenth time) I heard my favorite morning radio show discussing the top 12 foods that are banned in other countries but commonplace in the U.S. Again, an A-Ha! moment. I did a little research on the ingredients they talked about and found out a majority of what I'm putting in my body AND my kids' developing bodies are actually chemicals also used to make tar and prevent carpets from catching fire.

Yeah. I was instantly scared stupid.

Keith started rummaging through our cupboards spelling out ingredients we couldn't pronounce so I could Google what we were really eating. Then and there we decided we were no longer going to consume these chemicals. The energy drink I had sitting on my counter went down the drain when I read that citrus flavored drinks contain brominated vegetable oil which is banned in over 100 countries and has been linked to nearly every form of thyroid disease known to man, including cancer (credit to fark.com: Read more: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2345564/Shocking-list-US-foods-BANNED-countries-containing-dangerous-chemicals.html#ixzz2ZpbiUEmn )

I was drinking a chemical that causes cancer purely out of habit. Not anymore.

So how does that tie into my running? Since I gave up the processed foods and stopped drinking everything but water my energy level has increased ten-fold. I actually wake up in the morning feeling energized and ready to go. I have the energy after work to play with the kids whereas before I was drinking a Rip-It at 4pm to muddle through our nightly routine. The best part? The back and forth on the scale has finally started going in the right direction.

I'm beyond amazed at how quickly my body reacted to these changes. I put good in, I get good out. I have energy to get up and move and it turns out our scale isn't broken afterall. This morning I retired a pair of capris because they were just too big  <---- that is the best feeling EVER.

So really this blog should be called "Emily vs Running and Weight-loss". It's a struggle I've had my entire life but I've been so accustomed to being overweight I've been scared to know what would happen if I hit my goal. Almost like I was so used to hating my body that I wouldn't know what to worry about if I shed the weight. Something happened a few weeks ago and a light went off in my head. Everything clicked at once: health, diet, exercise and (sigh) age.

It's time to be proactive instead of reactive.

Couch to 5k

I did my second run this evening in the "Couch to 5k" program. The first run was...umm...two weeks ago. I'm pretty certain in order for this to work the runs should be less than 14 days apart. Nevertheless, I ran tonight.

I know there are some people that head out for a nice long run to "clear their minds" but I can tell you I'm not one of them. I can't think about anything besides running and what I must look like hoofing it down the street with a wedgie and hoping my belly isn't noticeably jiggling. So, for 30 minutes I feel as vulnerable and self-conscious as one can possibly feel which is probably why I put so much space between these runs. It takes a lot for me to even consider getting into running clothes and strapping on the annoying sports bra and hoping my hair is presentable so the neighbors don't think I'm as grungy as I feel. I have a drawer full of running shirts but have opted for over-sized cotton t-shirts lately (terrible choice for running in humidity, by the way. Talk about a moisture trap.) only because they don't cling to my body, so I can let loose of a minor part of my self-consciousness.

Maybe someone is thinking "why is she doing Couch to 5k when she's run further than that before?". I wanted something to make me LIKE running. I thought (two weeks ago) maybe if I have an "easy" training schedule I'll ease into it and start to enjoy it. The Ct5k is a mix of walking and running and the app tells you when to start and stop both activities. It's pretty sweet but I have to get out the door first.

I'll plan on doing the third run in the program tomorrow but I'll more than likely find six or seven excuses as to why I just can't do it and I'll set my alarm for early Monday and hit snooze until 7am and thus lose 75 minutes of sleep unnecessarily. It's a vicious cycle that I could stop if I'd just DO IT but it's clearly not that easy!

Mackinac Memorial Bridge Run

This is the first race I've run since October 2012 when I shotgunned a half-marathon. Prior to that it was a 5k walk in the Fifth Third River Bank Run in May 2012.

I run but I'm not a runner.

I can say that with confidence because the only time I find satisfaction or enjoyment in running is when I have a "Start" and "Finish" line involved.
This race had me a little worried; not because I doubted I could finish it, but because there was a stipulation of keeping a 12-minute mile for five miles.

The cool and dry weather was perfect for running; I had no complaints as I was starting the race. I glanced at my Garmin and saw I was at a 10:30 pace. Sweet! I can do this!

Then I started along the incline of the bridge which I hadn't taken into consideration when Keith and I discussed doing this event two days ago. You never think a small incline spread over two miles would feel like much to tackle but let me tell you it's a straight burn in the quads for the entire two miles. As I glanced at my Garmin again about .3 miles into the run I was at 11:06. Then 11:15. Then 11:40. Then 12:10. Then 12:37. Then 13:00 and 13:25.

I was chugging along at a ridiculous 13:25 pace when I had set my goal at 12:00 to 12:30. I was waiting for the pace police to come along and kick my ass or hand me a red card and escort me off the bridge.Not even a mile into this thing and I was failing.

Luckily no one was around to check my pace and there were plenty of people behind me as this was a wave start; people in front and people in the back. I was quickly falling to the back of the back.

I kept looking off to the sides of the bridge and hearing Keith's last words "just enjoy it", which he said as I sent him ahead at the onset of the race so he could enjoy his comfortable 8-8:30 pace.

I took in all the sights around me so I could calm my anxieties of sucking and finishing dead last. I stared out at the water that didn't seem to have an end and took note of the gigantic bridge I was crawling across and listened to the cars and trucks whizzing by and watched the expansion grates slip under my feet as I shuffled across. The fresh air in my face with the sunrise over my left shoulder wasn't too bad, either.  The "F it" side of me was indeed enjoying the experience. The "you have got to be excellent at everything you do" side of me was not allowing me to suck at this event. When I realized that I was getting fatigued at 1.8 miles in and was running way behind what I had set as a goal I wanted to quit. I wanted to stop the whole thing and just ask someone to drive me to the free breakfast held at the Finish line. I argued with myself mentally for a short while and allowed myself to walk a bit. Try again. Take another breath. Soak up the fresh air and keep going. Who cares? You're moving. You're burning calories just by moving (which is great because you're going to eat your weight in fudge later today). I have to talk to myself and weigh out the pros and cons of continuing when it hurts versus quitting because it would feel better.

The Pros to Running:
-Lose weight
-Have more energy to play with the kids
-Set a good example for the kids to follow
-Have a runner's high throughout the day
-Look good in summer attire
-Feel better about myself

The Cons to Running:
-I don't want to run

So, with that mental list going through my head I had no reason to stop. My legs were still moving and I was feeling less defeated. The center of the bridge, which I was so eagerly looking forward to so the pain of the incline would subside, was nearing. I kept a close eye on my Garmin for the entire race and as soon as that downhill kicked in my time started improving. At 3.5 miles my legs finally warmed up and it didn't feel like I was hauling dead weight anymore. Slowly my pace went back into the 13:00's, 12:50's and then 12:40's which is where I lingered until the end of the bridge. I had about a quarter mile to go when Keith joined me on the course. He'd already finished and made his way back to run me in <3

I don't like the thought of being the slow, chubby wife to the lean and swift runner. I don't like partaking in a hobby he excels in when I know I'll always pale in comparison. I shouldn't compare or compete but I can't help it; everything is a competition to me. I love it when he joins me at the end of events, though. He tells me what to expect just before the Finish line and his presence gives me the confidence I need to pick up my pace. The last time I looked at my Garmin it read 10:37 for my lap pace and I finished with a 12:38 pace overall.

12:38 is nothing to be proud of but I had a goal of 12:00-12:30 for this event so I was OK with it. I didn't train. I haven't run in eight months. In fact, when I broke down the numbers I was at the same pace I ran the 10k in two years ago which I actually trained for. I'll never understand how my legs work. Train or don't train and get the same outcome. Gah.


I'm still weighing the Pros and Cons as I lay down tonight and I'm thinking of running on a regular basis only to set a good example for my kids (and to look good in my summer attire...)

my attempt to get back in the saddle

well, it's been approximately 7 months since i've written my horror stories of myself vs exercising, running in particular. my dear husband reminded me of blogging because frankly, i'd given up and succumbed to the fact yet again that i just hate exercising and no amount of bitching about it online could change my mind. well, if i at least bitch about it here it'll take some of the pressure of him so i guess it's worth a shot.

i haven't given up COMPLETELY on exercising or running. i've started walking every sunday with my friend taryn. we do 3 miles through a nearby park early on sunday morning so we can get it out of the way and continue on with our day feeling great about the accomplishment. sometimes that's the only accomplishment i have all week so i bask in it for a while. there were times when i would run a few times throughout the week as well because i was just enjoying my time doing it. i bought keith a garmin of his own so i could bedazzle mine with pink jewels which of course, make me want to use it more. that worked for a little while. then the weather started colder and i started my yearly hibernation schedule. if it's dark at 5pm then i want to be in my jammies by 5:05pm. i'm ready for dinner and bed by 630 every night. this is making it terribly difficult to work off the extra poundage i accumulated way too easily.

i do believe that in the time it's been since i've last written i've joined and quit weight watchers again. this time around i wasn't really feeling it so the success wasn't there which then caused me to feel down about everything else and it's been an ugly spiral. i half-assed counted my points and expected the same awesome outcome i had when i joined the first time in january.

fast forward to now. december. the end of the year. almost time for a new resolution. the usual " i'm going to lose 15 pounds...blah blah blah". i could make that my resolution. i could. anyone can. is it going to be a resolution or a full-on lifestyle change? i have all the support a person could ever need to make it a lifestyle change. what's holding me back? i think i'm scared of actually reaching the goal of being thin. what if i get there and i'm still not happy with myself? if i reach that goal what else will i have to strive for? i'm the type of person who lives by setting goals and accomplishments. i don't like living my life just going through motions. i like to know everything is there for a reason and everything i do is for a purpose to better myself. if i reach this lifelong goal then what will i have to strive for? i'm kind of toying with myself and i have been for about 10 years.

so now what? well, i'm planning on going to the gym tonight. i LOATHE the treadmill but don't have enough cold weather gear to brave running outside. i just told keith at lunch today i don't know why i bother going to the gym when i only make it there once every 3 weeks. that's hardly enough to make any sort of improvement in my health or quality of life. his response? "then go more often". duh. it's that easy.

i want to be a gym rat but i'm not quite sure i'm cut out for that just yet. i can always think of 100 other things i'd rather be doing than the stepper or the elliptical or wondering if i'm even using the arm curl-up thing machine right. i wonder too often if everyone is staring at me thinking "why would she wear THAT to the gym?" "has she ever even been to a gym before?" "she should just through in the towel!". i'm always wondering if someone can see the wedgie i feel like i have when i'm on those machines. these crazy thoughts make me nuts for the entire 30-60 minutes i'm at the gym and make me want to run out of there kicking and screaming and swearing i'll never go back.

anyway, instead of stressing about a resolution to lose weight this year, i'm just going to make a goal of getting my fat A to the gym at least twice a week. i'm going to limit the amount of crazy talk that goes on in my head and maybe just listen to music or do something normal like that. that's an OK start for me. (err, restart. again.)

Running: I love you but I hate you so much.

I guess i'm kind of obsessed with putting a title on everything I do or anything I am. I like definitive lines, black and white. So I'm kind of wondering, since I've only run twice in a week and half, am I really a runner? The two occasions I ran were for races. I haven't done anything in between. Is that what a runner does? Doesn't a runner run just "because"?

I don't know the answer to this. I guess I just like to run to prove something to myself. I train for a certain race or a particular distance to prove to myself that I can do it. Proving something to yourself is FAR more difficult than proving it to someone else. You can fudge numbers, times, distances, how many times you stopped to walk, how many times you actually ran that week, etc...to anyone who will listen. Trying fudging that stuff to yourself. You're the only person who's going to suffer from lying to yourself. Oh, and the weight of lying to yourself is heavy.

I'm kind of off track here. A quick recap of the two occasions I actually DID run:
May 14th: Fifth Third River Bank Run! My first 10k! 6.2 miles. I've been training for it for MONTHS. I expected rain since it's rained the past 4 or so years. I was OK with that. I would rather run in rain than heat or humidity any day. The 5k racers got the brunt of the rain and it down to drizzle when my race started. I jokingly said to my family prior to leaving the house "if my Garmin doesn't work, I'm not running!". Famous last words, right there. I'm not 100% sure how to use all the functions of my Garmin. I can turn it on (sometimes) and then usually ask Keith to get it set for me. Keith was prepping for his race with his team while I was lining up for my race. I was on my own that day. I had the Garmin set. And then I waited for the gunshot so I could hit "start timer". I waited. And I waited. I waited so long that my Garmin went into a sleep mode of some sort. I couldn't get it back to where I needed it to be and TOTAL ANXIETY took over me! I couldn't run 6.2 miles not knowing how fast I was going or how far I had already run or how much further I had to go! I frantically hit every button several times on this little piece of machinery and got nowhere. The shot went off and everyone started moving. I began walking, head to my wrist determined to get my watch working. I WALKED over the START line , passed my parents who were waiting on the sides and in sheer panic attack mode cried"I can't get it to work!". I had no choice. I was going to have to run this thing alone; without the help and guidance of my friend Garmin. I was a half mile into the race and was still fidgeting with it when all of a sudden it was on the screen I was familiar with. PHEW! Crisis semi-averted.

Second rookie error: I didn't know what the course looked like. I never thought it would matter what the course looked like so I didn't bother checking it out. 6.2 miles is 6.2 miles; it doesn't matter what the scenery is like, right? Pretty much wrong. While it's nice following a group of people and just enjoying your time out on the pavement, it's a good idea to know what's around the next corner (mainly when you have a time in mind that you're shooting for). I didn't realize I'd made a mistake in not checking out the course until I started hitting some hills around mile 4. Had I known those babies were there I could have planned ahead and saved some juice so I could hustle up what seemed like a mountain. Instead, I saw it and said "shiiiit". I shuffled to the top and let myself take a walk break for the first time. PERSONAL RECORD SET BY THE WAY! I ran FOUR MILES without stopping. I didn't have much time to relish in the fact that I had accomplished a feat; I still had 2.2 miles ahead of me! A few more hills later I saw the beautiful sign that read Mile 6. Only .2 miles to go! The FINISH LINE should be in sight! Where the hell was the finish line?! I swear to you with every step I took it looked like that line was moving backwards and further from me! I mustered EVERYTHING I had in me to cross that line. I didn't want to leave anything out there. No regrets. I glanced at my watch and was now pacing at a 9 minute mile (have never run that fast before!). I hauled across the finish line and couldn't wait to see if I had hit my goal of 72 minutes. I later found out that my official time was 73 minutes, seconds. So close. But now I know I CAN do it.

May 21st: RAT Race 5k in Mt. Pleasant: The 10k kicked my butt and wore out every muscle I had so I didn't run at all during the week. My crazy mind was thinking "it's just a 5k. this will be like a training run". My confidence and ego were quickly shot down once my feet started moving on the trail. Luckily I was running with a friend during this race and she's got some pretty quick feet, so I stuck with her the entire time. I've never run with anyone before so I've never had to be accountable to anyone but myself. I tried conversing a little with her and realized my breathing wasn't right so I had to shut up (I think she was OK with that, anyway!). I kept glancing at my lil friend Garmin and it said we were pacing about a 10:30 mile (awesome for me!). I felt like I could hold that pace for the duration! Then the heat and humidity of the day started kicking in. I quickly felt like I had cement blocks on my feet. I told Shelly that I was going to have to take a breather at the turnaround just so I could have a decent finish. Had I kept going without stopping I know my pace would have suffered more and my time would have been terrible. Plus, running with a friend, I didn't want to screw up her first 5k either! We walked only a few seconds then kicked it back into gear. We were now halfway through this pretty difficult course! Eyes on the prize; just keep looking for the finish line. The heat had me exhausted. Never had I wanted to quit a 5k as badly as I did 1/2 mile from the Finish Line. If Shelly weren't by my side kicking ass, I probably would have walked quite a bit more. Thanks to Shelly, I set a PR that day. My previous 5k was a 38:30. This time around was a 33:43. I beat my last 5k by almost 5 whole minutes! I couldn't be happier! The hell was worth it! Who knew?! SPECIAL SHOUT OUT TO KEITH!! He placed 2nd in his age group and got a ribbon and came in 14th OVERALL! He also set a PR for himself!

My dad ran both of the above races with us and had times around 30 minutes for both. That man can haul cookies!

Now that I've proven to myself that I can run 6.2 miles I need to prove something more to myself. I need to know that I can run the Bridge Run in Grand Rapids in August. Thats only 10 miles. I need to know that I can run a half marathon in October. That's only 13.1 miles. After that I want to prove that I can run a 25k next May. That's only 15.5 miles. Someday I'd like to prove to myself that I can run a marathon. That's only 26.2 miles. Then I want to dabble in triathlons. My goal is to keep setting goals. I don't want to be complacent. I want to keep pushing myself and striving for something more. If and when I run another 10k it's only going to be for the adrenaline rush to beat my last time. And that is what I'll do forever. I will continue to kick my butt and never settle for just crossing the finish line. I've got to cross that line with the purpose of doing better than before.



**Important disclosure: These blogs are NOT meant for bragging or horn-tooting. Although, I am allowed to do that :) These blogs are for letting people out there know that if you want to make changes in your life, you can. I LOATHED, DESPISED, HATED running with all of my being 6 months ago. You're the only person who can make your feet move. If you want it, you've gotta get it.

new outlook

I've been trucking along with my running. I still have terrible form and I still run really slow. I'm not surprised by this and I'm not mad. This alone has shown me some sort of growth in me as a person, or as a runner (I'm still not sure what "runner" means...). Throughout my life, for as long as I can remember, if I was unable to master something at my first try and be the best at it, I didn't want to do it anymore. I would move on to the next thing and try again. This cycle continues to this day. I've always thought it was a "perfection" issue, and maybe it is. But for some reason I feel like I have to be great at everything I do and I need everyone to look up to me and see how great I am. While this is a great attitude to strive for, it has surely set me up for failure hundreds of times. For instance, I have not been able to master anything to this day. I am still looking for a hobby that I enjoy doing that I actually have a talent for. Since I've quit everything I've ever done in my life because I didn't learn it instantly I haven't been able to develop any real talent.

Enter running. As I stated before I'm slow and I have poor form. I don't know what good form looks like exactly but I know when I catch a glimpse of myself in a storefront window the reflection doesn't look like the people in all those running magazines. Yet, I'm still out there doing it? That isn't like me.

I haven't won any races and I honestly don't see that in my future. But I'm still signing up for them? That isn't like me. If I don't stand a chance at winning why do I do it? I'm still learning that part...

A few things I've discovered after sticking to running:
1) I actually feel "accomplished" when I've gotten 2 miles in before I even brush my teeth. The rest of the day is ahead of me to do whatever I want and I don't have a workout looming over my head.
2) I have more energy AFTER I run. This has always been something I couldn't wrap my head around prior to running consistently. How on God's green Earth does anyone possibly have MORE ENERGY after running? I still don't know, but it's true. And this is coming from someone who sometimes drinks 2 energy drinks a day and 64 ounces of fountain pop.
3) I haven't lost any actual weight in a few weeks but my clothes are DEFINITELY fitting differently. The other day I was trying to get dressed for work but all my black work pants were baggy in the butt. NEVER in my life have I been so discouraged by my body changing in good ways! It was an awesome feeling to be struggling with finding pants small enough in my closet to get to work, but also hell trying to pull an outfit together knowing I have saggy butt pants.

Basically, this is where I'm at with running: There are days when I can't wait to hit the pavement and this is only because of the all the new toys I've accumulated to help me do it. There are days when Keith literally has to put two feet to my back and kick me out of bed. (He's a brave soul for taking me on in the morning). Please check out his blog so you can see where I draw my inspiration. Whichever way I get out of bed I know that when I'm done running I'm going to feel better about myself.

And let me end on this note: Don't ever let anyone tell you that running is a free/cheap sport or hobby. IT IS NOT. Running shoes that are comfortable are expensive. You, apparently, cannot run in them until they fall apart. You are supposed to re-invest in another pair of expensive running shoes every 300-400 miles you log in them. Then the proper running attire. Moisture-wicking socks, moisture-wicking tights, pants, shorts, gloves, hats, neck warmers, wind-resistant jackets, tank tops, sports bras, special water bottles, GPS devices, nutritional replenishment/carbs/electrolyte goo's & gums & gummy treats, etc...Inexpensive no. Worth it? yes.

a lot of thoughts on running jammed into the first blog.

I'm not what you would call a runner by any means. I'm not the person who shoots out of bed in the morning and eagerly straps on my running shoes just to bolt out the door with a smile on my face running down the streets. Nope. I'm the person who's joined a gym only to lose motivation a month in. I'm the person who has to have results YESTERDAY. I'm the person that doesn't like to sweat. I'm the person who's tried every diet out there including vegetarianism (have been for over 11 years), to low-carb (try that being a vegetarian!), to vegan, to cereal only, etc... Not to mention I've probably spent more on magic weight loss pills, powders, and bars than I've spent on my car. You can call me a lot of things, but a "runner" isn't one of them. Until today. Today something clicked.

Around the beginning of the year I had the realization that I'm not at a healthy weight. I stopped wanting to be photographed which made me sad because I have a young son and was very apprehensive to have my picture taken with him. If someone brought out the camera I insisted on the photo being from my chest up, and I would definitely have to pre-approve anything before it went on the internet. Most who know me well know I am very, for lack of a better word, cheap. I don't enjoy spending lots of money on frivolous things and I like eliminating bills or debt at all costs. Since I've tried every way possible to magically make this extra weight just "disappear" and low and behold, nothing worked, I realized maybe I should try Weight Watchers. I've heard great things about it, I had tried it somewhat back in college and it helped me shed a quick 5 pounds. I wasn't so sure I wanted to pay each month to starve myself but I figured I was at a point where I had nothing else to lose. I signed up, I went to my meetings, I followed the plan religiously (because if I'm paying for it, dammit, I'm sticking with it), and the weight started coming off. HALLELUJAH. Something was working. I had lost about 10 pounds and started feeling better about my body and less intimidated by the big hunk of machinery collecting dust on the porch (aka the treadmill). Now that I was down a few extra pounds it felt a little better to THINK about exercising. My husband is an avid runner. He's the type I spoke of before; he runs in the cold, wind, snow, rain, heat, whatever. He's run half marathons, 25k's, he's a Road Warrior for the Fifth Third River Bank Run, he's part of the Grand Rapids Marathon staff as of this year, and now he's planning a 24 hour relay. Watching him run makes me tired and feel defeated.

Slowly, the idea of getting on the treadmill warmed up. I had told Keith many months ago that if he made the Road Warrior team I would sign up for the 10k. FIRST MISTAKE. Now I had a deadline to do something I've never done before and it's something I dread. Crap. I started walking the treadmill first because I've learned if I go gung-ho I'm going to get mad that the results aren't happening overnight and I'm going to stop. I want to be a couch to marathon superstar, without having to put a lot of work into it. Is that a problem? Yes, apparently.

One day I decided I'd try to jog on the treadmill. I've never run an entire mile without stopping in my life. Ever. The first time I did that I came bursting back in the house, my face beat red and exhausted. My first milestone! Not soooo terrible. Let's see what else I could do when no one was watching. I ran for 20 minutes non-stop. MILESTONE! And like that, little by little, it got a LITTLE easier. I wasn't enjoying myself by any means, but I was able to move my legs without stopping or fear of lung failure looming over me. That right there people, is success in my book.
Now, one of the things I've learned is that it's definitely OK to talk to yourself if you're exercising. I always thought people were nuts if they carried on conversations with themselves. Well, today during my run, I realized I talk to myself A LOT and it's mostly while moving my legs. 99% of the time my brain is telling me "stop, take a breather, you deserve it, you've run 5 minutes straight." But then I have to rationalize with myself and think "you've only run 5 minutes, try going another 5 minutes and see how you feel. What about the people who can't use their legs and would love to run? Your legs are fine so just move them! No one has ever DIED from running on a treadmill in their porch for a few more minutes". Sometimes I have to give myself tough love. It's the only way I listen.
So anyway, as Keith has become more and more of a support system and trainer for me, he's pushing me to do more than I ever thought I could. Since he's knowledgeable in knowing when to rest, when to push harder, what gear to wear, etc...I listen.

I've done 5k's in the past. They weren't anything to be proud of, but I finished them. Today there was a 4 mile Prediction Run that started in John Ball Zoo. Basically you write down what you think your time will be for running 4 miles. Watches are obviously not allowed, so you can't cheat. I was secretly thinking of doing this run but I didn't say anything to Keith. 4 miles is a long way to run! He had made the remark that I was ALMOST going to have 10 miles of training logged for the week this week (would have been 1/2 mile shy). I said to forget that, if I'm coming that close I might as well log the extra 1/2 mile. Somehow the plan went from Keith running this Prediction Run to ME running. EEK. I'm a treadmill runner. I like the machine telling me how fast to move my feet and I like to see how many calories I've burned and how much time I have left on the torture machine. This race is outside, with other people who are REAL runners, and I don't have a watch or anything telling me when I'm done (besides the finish line which is nowhere in sight).

We did all of our routines. Clothes laid out the night before, alarms set, made it to check in on time. Keith decided to run the race with Lennon in the jogger also so it was a fun, family thing. We lined up, they said GO! and my feet started moving. Ugh, running on pavement was HARD and very different from my cozy treadmill setup at home. By the first 1/4 mile Keith had caught up to me and I was seriously doubting myself and pissed off at why I even considered this to be a good idea. No I'm in the back of the group, angry, winded, cold, and I have 4 miles of hell ahead of me. I discovered my least favorite sound today. It's the sound of people running behind you and then seeing them pass you, increasing their distance from you in record time. Very disheartening, discouraging, and can really make a girl second guess why she's out there pretending to be a runner.

I kept on going. I remembered Keith telling me before that the first mile or so is the hardest because your lungs haven't opened up yet. I was biding my time until I could feel my cardio kicking in. IT WAS TAKING FOREVER! I finally got to the first mile marker and it got just a teeny bit better. I was still cold, a little less cranky, but still very unsure of what I was doing. I looked behind me and I saw ONE person. Great. Out of the group that started there is a single soul behind me. "I'm the slowest person out here" is all that kept repeating through my mind. And at that time, when no one was around, is when it clicked.

I started to notice there were geese around me. There was a river and a huge open field. The sun was shining (finally!) and my feet were moving. Not fast, I knew that, but they were still going. I started having the talk reminding myself that there are millions of people who would kill to do what I'm doing and physically they can't. That made me buck up a little. Then I drift off to thinking about the Biggest Loser contestants and how they weigh 300 pounds more than I do and they're working out 12 hours a day. I can handle this 50ish minute task. Next thing I know I'm at the 2 mile marker with my husband who has so graciously killed his own time just to run the race with me for that short time at his turnaround. We chatted for a few about how I was doing and then he was off again, headed towards the finish line, wherever that thing was.

Again, I'm alone in the middle of a field. I made a promise to myself that I would only stop if my legs felt they were going to give out. I stopped 2 more times for 15 seconds. I kept having conversations with myself and I found what my motivation is. SHOPPING. Laugh if you will. Think I'm small-minded, whatever. My second wind came when I started thinking "hey, you know what would make this better? Pink sweatbands! A pink Garmin GPS, new pink shirts and a cute pink jacket! YES! Oh boy, I can't wait to buy lots of things that will help me be a better runner!"
Wait, what? I just called myseld a runner WHILE running. That felt surprisingly good! I was running, it hurt, and I kept doing it. I was in the middle of a field, alone, not a single soul around me AND I KEPT GOING. No one would have known if I walked the whole way back to the finish line, except me. I made a promise to myself and I was making myself stick to it.

I found the milestones I was looking for along the way, a certain fence, a certain fire hydrant, etc...that would tell me how close I was getting to the finish line. I was so close to that line I could see Keith and Lennon waiting for me :) Wanna know something crazy? When I crossed that line, I wasn't even winded. The weirdest thing ever. I felt amazing. I felt like I had been doing this forever. I felt like a runner.

Needless to say we went out looking for important pink running gear in the afternoon, but that was my reward for doing the unthinkable. I'm going to start running outside more, maybe even without music, which is normally really hard for me. I'm still not going to jump out of bed in the morning and eagerly strap on my shoes, but at least I know that when I manage to roll out of bed the pavement isn't necessarily my enemy. We're still getting to know each other though...