30 days or die: day 10

Day 10
2-19-14
158.4

I can't even stick to my own 30 day challenge. I guess one take-away from this challenge is that my anxiety has a chokehold on my ambitions. Since I didn't go to the gym Saturday my guilt set in and I couldn't find the get-up-and-go to get there Sunday. I decided I would only force myself to go during the week before work.

(it's my challenge so I get to make up and change the rules as I go along.)

I had made the remark a few nights ago "I'm quitting" as I walked to the kitchen for a snack. I made this bold statement expecting one of two reactions:

1) Silence
2) Keith asking why I'm quitting and offer words of encouragement, etc.

I got #1.

History has shown that when I get in these moods we usually end up in an argument and no matter what Keith says he's going to be wrong. Even if he has a valid point my stubborn self will find some way to pout and be negative about his response. When my anxiety and self-consciousness start talking I just keep digging holes and bashing myself hoping that he'll keep throwing compliments and niceties my way. We've been together almost nine years now and I'm an exhausting individual. I can't really expect him to keep throwing niceties my way when I'm a total B without explanation. Like I said, he can't win :/

So anyway, once I said the words "I quit" and actually verbalized my frustration with this process I found it quite easy to get mad at myself for actually quitting. This set the ball rolling to then go into a funk/depression about quitting a self-imposed challenge and not seeking the change that I thought I wanted. I can't decide if I'd be a happier person if I lost 30 pounds or if I'm happiest when I'm miserable. I seem to enjoy sabotaging myself but at the same time I can't fit in any of my current wardrobe.

I took Monday and Tuesday off from the gym as a protest. Keith and I discussed the pros of going and the effect my mood is having on the family so I decided to set my alarm and try again today. He said he noticed I was happier last week while I'd been going and even if I'm not losing weight right away at least I'm being healthy.

(Point that needs to be mentioned: my physician told me yesterday that the anti-depressant I've been taking is notorious for weight-gain but I'm not a candidate for other medications so he said I could try Alli as a weight-loss supplement)

My alarm was set for 4:50am. Pepper started tap-dancing at 4am. Now I was faced with the terrible decision of stay awake or go back to bed for a minutes. I stupidly chose to go lie down until the alarm went off and of course I hit snooze three times before giving in that I wasn't going again today. Keith caught me upstairs and we decided that I'd go to the gym after work and he'd take the kids to and from daycare. I drove to MVP in Rockford and was kind of disappointed the parking lot was insanely packed but also kind of relieved that I still didn't have to follow through with exercising. I was there, I tried. There wasn't any parking and even if there were the gym was going to packed and I just didn't feel like dealing with all of that for 30 minutes of agreed-upon exercise. I headed for home and was surprised to see Keith and the kids weren't home yet. I planned on doing 30 minutes of just walking the treadmill while I waited for them to get home but they arrived quicker than I expected. I told Keith I would hold up my end of the bargain after Sis went to bed. Once she was down he gave me a gentle reminder by asking if I was ready for my 30.

I completed 30 minutes of walking using my ipod and Facebook as distractions. I have my alarm set for tomorrow morning and I'm hoping I can get back in the swing of things. I'm also going to start my Alli tomorrow which I'm pretty excited about.

[No picture taken today.]

30 Days or Die: Day 5 and 6

Day 5
2-14-14
159.6
I couldn't get myself out of bed yesterday. I had succumbed to the idea that I was going to skip the gym and not feel bad about it. Keith kept jabbing, poking, prodding and telling me I was going to regret not going but I'll never regret going. I finally got up and when I looked in the mirror my stomach sank and my heart started racing. My hair was a mess and it's too short to pull into a ponytail. I couldn't find my pink hat and my Bondi Band is missing. I stepped on the scale and saw ANOTHER gain. My anxiety went through the roof and I went back to bed telling Keith not to push it anymore; I just couldn't do it. When I awoke to get dressed I didn't feel any guilt. I was at peace with breaking my "30 days at the Gym" quest. My anxiety subsided and I didn't even need to take my usual morning Xanax to get out the door.
I took my gym clothes with me to work not fully knowing what my plan was. After my noon showing of a townhouse  (which is across the street from my gym) I decided to take my lunch and head over there for 30 minutes to just get some time in on the treadmill. If I logged a few minutes then it counts toward my quest. I changed out of my boots into my running shoes while wearing my leggings and dress, plugged in my headphones and walked for 25 minutes. I felt good about it and actually wanted to push myself a little more but I had more showings in the after noon and had to get back to the office. Also, I would have no way to de-stink myself if I got too sweaty so I had to take it easy.

I don't have a "post-workout" picture because I was fully covered.

Breakfast:
Smoothie courtesy of Keith
2 peanut butter eggs

Snack
5 pieces of Russell Stover chocolates
Sugary candy hearts

Lunch
Salad- spinach, head lettuce, tomato, carrots, salad toppin's, 15 calorie Italian dressing

Snack
5 dove chocolates

Dinner
4 pieces of Jets pizza
3-4 bread sticks

Snack
Cadbury egg
2 glasses of wine

So food was clearly out the window today but I allowed myself a cheat day especially since it's a holiday and candy was everyone I turned.


Day 6
2-15-14
157.5
Today is Saturday which means I didn't set my alarm which also means that I didn't go to the gym first thing. As Lennon was climbing all over me begging me to wake up I realized that I have no energy or desire to get up and be active. I could hear Keith on the treadmill already at 730am and I vaguely remember his alarm going off earlier so he could get his 10-miler in. I went upstairs with Lennon and got my cran-energy drink (all natural; caffeine from green tea) hoping it would instill some oomph in me. The only thing it did was make me want to clean. After Keith finished his run and showered he came upstairs and had the look in his eye wondering when I was going to the gym and my response was "I'm not sure I'm going to. I'm kind of over it." That statement is true. I've been anxious all morning thinking "should I go to the gym? Should I skip it and try again tomorrow? I need to update my blog, I need to get the Valentine's project started AND finished. I want to go shopping. Oh, and I just don't feel like going to the gym". I had fun eating pizza last night and shoving whatever chocolate amazingness I could reach into my face and not caring about it. In fact, I don't see why I should be busting my ass at the gym when A) I haven't seen my weight go down AT ALL and B) I haven't felt my pants getting looser at all. Yes, I feel better afterward and it's not so terrible while I'm there but I'm not doing this just to get the feel-goods. I want to look good and I want to lose some damn weight and the "feel-goods" should just be a side-effect. I don't have the patience for this to take forever. If I don't start seeing results I don't see a reason to continue.

With that being said I'm not convinced I want to go to the gym today but I have the guilty feeling lingering inside that says I should keep going to finish the stupid 30-day challenge. I'd rather go shopping since I have crazy-awesome coupons to use (for shoes) and we need groceries something fierce.

Breakfast:
Wanted pop-tarts or a heaping bowl of cereal. Chose 2 slices of 98%FF wheat toast with organic butter and apple butter and a banana

Snack
Peppermint patties and Dove chocolates (I have such a weakness for chocolate)
Banana

3pm lunch/snack
Shredded Wheat

a few more chocolates

Dinner (930pm...not too hungry)
4 Morningstar Chicken Nuggets
handful of sweet potato chips

UPDATE: I officially want to quit this bullshit. I've been so pissed, irritable, and anxious all day just thinking about how much time and hope I've put into this past week with ZERO results. The moment that sealed the deal for me was around 5pm when I attempted to put jeans on to run to the store with Isla. Pairs number 1, 2 and 3 didn't fit. I had to wear number 3 and threw on a hooded sweatshirt to cover the ol' muffin top. Isla and I went to Goodwill so I could look for a pair of jeans that wouldn't make me feel like shit until the weight comes off. Sorry to say, the single pair I found did not fit. Not even close. Now I'm even more pissed. This whole process can kiss my ass. I want to scream and I want to pout. I don't want to hear anyone tell me "it takes time". I don't want to work my ass off and receive nothing for it. It leaves me no motivation to continue. Why should I wake up two hours early to head out into sub-zero temperatures and take on 90 minutes of shit I don't like doing to receive nothing for the efforts?

I didn't go to the gym today because of my mood and love for my couch therefore I don't have a picture for today either.

30 days or die: day 3 and 4

2-12-14

day 4

157.9 pounds

Gaining weight on my 4th day of killing myself feels awesome. PISSED. Keith keeps reminding me this is normal and encouraging me not to get down on myself. He surprised me with an early Valentine's gift of a pink Ipod Shuffle and matching earphones. HOORAY!

Good news to report is that I had no issue getting out of bed today and totally killed it at the gym. I started with 15 minutes of walking the treadmill and finished with 15 minutes on the Wave. Here's the in-between:

4 sets of 15 reps @ 20lbs: ab rotator machine (2 sets on each side)

3 sets of 12 @ 20lbs chest press

2 sets of 12 @ 40lbs: arm pull down bar thing

3 sets of 12 @ 20-25lbs: Rope thing that works triceps

3 sets of 12 @8lbs: chest press on bench- free weights

2 sets of 12 @ 20lbs:  shoulder press

2 or 3 sets of 12 at 10lbs: arm curl machine

I'm feeling better physically and have found myself looking forward to cardio. This would have been crazy talk last week.

Food today:

Shredded wheat for breakfast

Salad for lunch

6 cookies (Enjoy Life brand)

2 soy corn dogs and veggies

6 dove chocolates

"wheat chex" organic cereal

30 Days or Die: Day 2

Day 2
Feb. 10, 2014
155.2 pounds

That's right. Day 2. My ass got out of bed at 5am in 10* weather and drove to the gym. I fucking did it. You know what else? I was looking forward to it. I honestly don't know what changed yesterday. Maybe it's the chemicals that are released when you exercise or maybe I'm crazier than I thought but I actually wanted to get to the gym. This feels so foreign, but so good!

So, here's what I did on my second day:

10 minutes on elliptical

Low-row for back work: 3 sets of 12 @ 60 lbs

Abductor/Adductor 3 sets of 12 @ 40lbs each

1.5 mile walk/run

Back work: 2 sets of 12

Wave machine (LOVE!) 10 minutes

I decided the Wave was pretty sweet. It's like the elliptical but your legs go at a backwards angle instead of straight back. It can work the abs (supposedly) so I'm all for trying this every day. 

Food:

1/2c oatmeal with pb2, raisins, and banana

6 natural cookies

cheese and crackers

salad

2 clementines

3 rice cakes

8 Dove chocolates

quinoa/corn/black beans/bulgur/tortilla chips deliciousness courtesy of my chef husband

Let it be known the boss brought in pizza today and I chose to skip it. Shit's getting crazy.

30 Days or Die: Day 1

Day 1: Feb. 9, 14
155 pounds

My journey began today. 

I've been fat. I've been thin. I've been somewhere in the middle most of my life. My weight and body image have always been an issue and something I think about every few seconds throughout every day for as long as I can remember. The past few months have been "different" for me. I can't explain it and there's no way I could try to make someone else understand it. I've been absolutely miserable in my own skin and I just realized it's surfacing to my exterior. I'm short-tempered, anxious, depressed, angry, easily agitated and difficult to get along with. I hate what I'm doing to myself as I'm eating the junk food but physically can't put the food down. As I unwrap the piece of chocolate I have a full-on argument with myself insisting I'm going to regret it and hate myself in a few minutes but I continue to pop it in my mouth. The food has become stronger than I am. Like I said, I can't explain it. How could I hate being overweight but refuse to change anything about myself? That's the argument constantly on repeat in my mind and when "life" happens (read: parenting, work, travel, everything else...) and interrupts my self-loathing, I snap and become a total bitch. I hate who I've become and I can't find it within myself to change. Talk about a vicious cycle.

Even though I don't act on it, I always think about exercise. While I sit on the couch I think "I should go walk the treadmill downstairs", "I should take the dogs for a walk", "I should go to the gym", "I should do a yoga dvd..." I never do though. The mere thought of exercise causes me anxiety. The thought of all my fat jiggling around forces me to sit still. I don't want to put on a sports bra or change into form-fitting exercise clothes because I don't want to experience the bad feelings of how tight the bra is or just how much bulge there is around my waist and thighs. I hang around the house in sweatpants and hooded sweatshirts so I can't catch glimpses of what's hiding underneath. ...and the cycle continues: hate myself. hate my body. need to exercise. exercise causes anxiety. anxiety is nearly debilitating. stay in sweats on the couch and continue to hate myself.

Let's go back to the gym I mentioned briefly above. I am one of the fortunate people to have a gym membership. You know what's worse than that? Having a membership without financial obligation (read: free) and not using it. So, on top of all the other reasons I feel hatred towards myself and anxiety about exercise let's add guilt for not utilizing something some people would die for. Yeah, I super suck now.

Oh, let's add to that guilt some more. I have kids. Kids with a lot of energy as a matter of fact. I want to be an awesome role model for them and I'm pretty confident that doesn't involve being cranky about hating myself and overweight and immobile. Does it get me off the couch? No. (Enter more guilt and anxiety.)

Cliche' and cheesy but sadly true, I had myself a little awakening today. I couldn't find a good enough excuse or reason to avoid the gym. I had an errand to run and it involved being directly across the street from the gym. During Isla's nap-time while Keith was home with her and Lennon was at Mimi and Papa's house. My afternoon schedule was clear. I guess I could go for a little while...

A Xanax and an hour later I had completed a workout. While running the track I had the epiphany: I'm going to do this every day for 30 days. (I heard about someone who did it for 100 days in a row while on her journey but I know I can't commit to that just yet). Let's up the ante: I'm also going to take selfies after every workout. Oh snap! I'm going to change my diet too. Yeah! I'm going to prepare salads for lunches all week. Let's get super serious: when 30 days is up I'm going to post the journey to Facebook. Oh my God. People will see everything I've tried to hide for so long. It doesn't count if I don't tell anyone, though. That way I can still fail and no one will know anything. If I don't make it to the gym tomorrow then only I will know about this crazy-ass idea I just came up with. 

When I got home I told Keith my idea; crap. Now I'm accountable.