Day 10
2-19-14
158.4
I can't even stick to my own 30 day challenge. I guess one take-away from this challenge is that my anxiety has a chokehold on my ambitions. Since I didn't go to the gym Saturday my guilt set in and I couldn't find the get-up-and-go to get there Sunday. I decided I would only force myself to go during the week before work.
(it's my challenge so I get to make up and change the rules as I go along.)
I had made the remark a few nights ago "I'm quitting" as I walked to the kitchen for a snack. I made this bold statement expecting one of two reactions:
1) Silence
2) Keith asking why I'm quitting and offer words of encouragement, etc.
I got #1.
History has shown that when I get in these moods we usually end up in an argument and no matter what Keith says he's going to be wrong. Even if he has a valid point my stubborn self will find some way to pout and be negative about his response. When my anxiety and self-consciousness start talking I just keep digging holes and bashing myself hoping that he'll keep throwing compliments and niceties my way. We've been together almost nine years now and I'm an exhausting individual. I can't really expect him to keep throwing niceties my way when I'm a total B without explanation. Like I said, he can't win :/
So anyway, once I said the words "I quit" and actually verbalized my frustration with this process I found it quite easy to get mad at myself for actually quitting. This set the ball rolling to then go into a funk/depression about quitting a self-imposed challenge and not seeking the change that I thought I wanted. I can't decide if I'd be a happier person if I lost 30 pounds or if I'm happiest when I'm miserable. I seem to enjoy sabotaging myself but at the same time I can't fit in any of my current wardrobe.
I took Monday and Tuesday off from the gym as a protest. Keith and I discussed the pros of going and the effect my mood is having on the family so I decided to set my alarm and try again today. He said he noticed I was happier last week while I'd been going and even if I'm not losing weight right away at least I'm being healthy.
(Point that needs to be mentioned: my physician told me yesterday that the anti-depressant I've been taking is notorious for weight-gain but I'm not a candidate for other medications so he said I could try Alli as a weight-loss supplement)
My alarm was set for 4:50am. Pepper started tap-dancing at 4am. Now I was faced with the terrible decision of stay awake or go back to bed for a minutes. I stupidly chose to go lie down until the alarm went off and of course I hit snooze three times before giving in that I wasn't going again today. Keith caught me upstairs and we decided that I'd go to the gym after work and he'd take the kids to and from daycare. I drove to MVP in Rockford and was kind of disappointed the parking lot was insanely packed but also kind of relieved that I still didn't have to follow through with exercising. I was there, I tried. There wasn't any parking and even if there were the gym was going to packed and I just didn't feel like dealing with all of that for 30 minutes of agreed-upon exercise. I headed for home and was surprised to see Keith and the kids weren't home yet. I planned on doing 30 minutes of just walking the treadmill while I waited for them to get home but they arrived quicker than I expected. I told Keith I would hold up my end of the bargain after Sis went to bed. Once she was down he gave me a gentle reminder by asking if I was ready for my 30.
I completed 30 minutes of walking using my ipod and Facebook as distractions. I have my alarm set for tomorrow morning and I'm hoping I can get back in the swing of things. I'm also going to start my Alli tomorrow which I'm pretty excited about.
[No picture taken today.]
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